Greetings readers, I’ve finally decided to emerge from my blog-shaped hermit home and say Nǐ Hǎo. I know, I know, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve channeled my diatribe onto the web but I’ve just had two glasses of imported chardonnay and I’m feeling insipid. Sorry I mean inspired.

It’s been a cracking few weeks here in Jingers (ex-pat lingo darlings), Jeannie’s been hard at work drilling english into the natives and I’ve been sitting around the apartment in my pants eating pot noodles and processed sausages. Last week we had a fleeting visit from Stelios and the lovely Hee-Jeong, which was fantastic. I’m still salivating at the memory of the fantastic Japanese food we ate with them. Today we’ve been joined by Jeannie’s mum. She’s come out to visit for a couple of weeks during China’s 60th anniversary of communism – which is a pretty big deal here. I’ve even hauled myself across town and replaced my beloved camera in preparation for the party, normal photographic duties will resume shortly.

There’s a huge parade tomorrow which has been coordinated by the same chappy who did the Olympics opening ceremony. Here’s a run down of what the authorities have got planned:

• There are 200,000 soldiers marching in formation alongside a display of China’s latest and greatest weaponry, including their shiny new inter-continental nuclear missiles
• The soldiers (grouped by height with no more than 6cm variance) have been trained to stand motionless for one hour, not to sway in the second and not to collapse after three hours (according to the official news agency)
• They’ve recruited mental health professionals to help those who performances don’t cut the mustard (fancy relocating Leigh?)
• The Air Force has scrambled 18 ‘weather altering’ planes and 48 fog clearing vehicles.
• All of Beijing’s homeless have been relocated, and the local pests have been exterminated. Of course I’m talking about the cockroaches, silly.
• Pigeon fanciers flocks have been grounded. Why you ask? Well, in an interview with the LA Times a government spokesman said: “I don’t know what kind of stuff you have in New York, but people could strap all sorts of minibombs to pigeon legs.”

Now doesn’t that sound remarkable? Given it’s such a huge, well organised demonstration of national pride you think it would be pretty easy to find out where to buy candy floss and watch the synchronised spectacle. Well, this is what I’ve found out today:

• Foreigners aren’t allowed anywhere near the parade.
• Locals are only allow with a permit.
• Anyone stepping into the streets near the parade may be shot.
• You cannot go to anyone’s house with a view of the parade, unless you have a permit.
• How can I get a permit? You can’t.
• If by some miracle you get a permit, do not look out of the windows or go onto balconies. You may be shot.

Well that’s scuppered our plans for a lovely day out. Looks like we’ll have to settle for watching it on TV in the apartment. Whilst Googling for info, I found a few places offering advice for ex-pats. One site said during the holiday “do not mention the three Ts and the one FG. Don’t mention HR. Don’t mention the Jackal”. Can you decrypt the code? And finally, proving the ex-pat community still has a sense of humour I found these three gems:

• If you want to watch the parade, just bring a lawn chair to Tiananmen Square. They have a couple of big screens set up there. Get there early so you can get a spot near the front, and bring a cooler full of beer!
• All you need to do is show up waving the flag of whatever country you come from and they will lead you to a special area that has been set aside for you.
• I don’t know what all the fuss is about, why would you want to go and see this:

Happy National Day, Readers.